As part of baby loss awareness week 2018 I have been so lucky to have some really inspirational families willing to share their stories of loss and parenting, having been blessed to go on to have their rainbow babies.
The first story I am sharing is from Beki, here is her story…
I’m Beki, I’m 32 and live in Blackpool. I have been married to my amazing husband for the last 12 years and we have four children, a heaven born baby boy, and three girls. I am passionate about supporting women and have two businesses in which I can do that, one through being a Babywearing consultant and Doula – Serenity Bloom, and the other through making affirmation cards and gifts – Believe in ME.
We got pregnant fairly quickly after losing our first baby and on reflection were still in the midst of grief. Nothing prepares you for having to walk away and leave your baby in the hospital, the pain and the guilt that rages through you some days is too much to bear. But the hope of having a baby in our arms somehow pushed its way through the darkness and we clung to it.
Finding out we were pregnant for the second time was a mixed bundle of emotion, initially we were filled with joy and then the fear started to creep in, can we go through that again?
Because we didn’t find out until the 20 week scan that our baby wouldn’t survive being born if they got that far into the pregnancy, it was a long time until we had that reassurance that everything was ok. People around us were positive and happy, especially after the 12 week scan but those first 20 weeks were a battle against fear for us and quite a lonely time as no-one really understood what we were going through.
The stigma surrounding baby loss is still so prevalent, it wasn’t until we lost our baby that we even knew anyone who’d had a miscarriage and then people trickled in quietly and shared their stories, it’s like joining a secret club that you never want to be a part of but are so thankful to find.
My body was fighting to keep the baby inside my womb and the drugs were forcing it out. And after all that, having to leave the hospital with empty arms and a broken heart. So I knew this time would be easier and it was, and our beautiful baby girl came into the world after a six hour labour and only gas and air as pain relief. We named her Sky Amber which means miraculous creation, precious jewel – our beautiful miracle, our rainbow baby. She fulfilled a promise and brought hope back into our lives and we are forever thankful for that.
Parenting after loss is really hard some days but it also carries a joy and appreciation that we may not have had. We openly share our story because we don’t want anyone else in a similar position to us to ever feel that they are going through it alone.