Whether we have a heavenly or earthly child, we quite often place significance on dates and places. The place/date the baby was conceived, the due date, the place they were born…but when you lose a baby there seem to be a few more. Scan dates, the date your baby died, the funeral, maybe you took them home with you, or spent time in a special care unit.
Why do we hold on to all these memories and places? Well there’s one easy answer because quite frankly as bereaved parents it’s all we have. A memory held in a place, somewhere we feel connected to our baby/babies. Or a date that allows us to grieve and hold space in our minds for what we no longer have.
Earlier in the week I was brave enough to ring the hospital chaplain and ask if I needed to arrange to come, especially as I wanted to see her name in the book of remembrance whilst I was there. I didn’t think about what I wanted to say before I rang so I garbled most of my initial request. But the gentleman I spoke to was thoroughly lovely and said he would do his best to find Daisy’s entry and would call me back before the end of the week.
I received a call from him this morning. And boy has it triggered me a bit. So firstly he said he couldn’t find anything written in the book, so far. He’s going to continue to look until I go on Monday. And of course I could be wrong in my memory from 9 years ago when I was in such an emotional state, and actually her name wasn’t ever written in the book.
I feel like I need to apologise to Daisy for not knowing every detail about her. For not facing what was so horrible and to choose to try and walk away from it all. I wanted to forget what had happened, I wanted the memory to fade away. I was ashamed and unable to face the outcome of what I’d been through. To not honour and acknowledge her beautiful little life feels like I did her a disservice at the time. But now I feel like maybe I have a new opportunity. Maybe it was the opportunity I was always meant to have. Maybe this is how it was always meant to be. And I can go on Monday and truly honour her memory and forgive myself for the decisions I made at the time. Because I made those decisions as best I possibly could.
And I have been asked today, why I would go back there if I haven’t been for 9 years. Well yes absolutely, why would I? Simply because, there are memories of her there. That’s the only place I held her in my arms. A place she never left. And it feels right that it’s part of my journey to return. And as I’ve said before, although healing can sometimes be painful and heart breaking, it’s all part of my journey and her memory, and as that’s all I have of her, why wouldn’t I?
And so I won’t be changing any birthday plans for Wednesday. They will remain as they always are with a visit to Lytham Cemetery, flowers, balloons and cake…of course any excuse! But maybe future years will change. Perhaps her birthday or maybe the 5th November will involve a trip to Bolton? Maybe Christmas? Maybe their hospital remembrance service will be something I want to attend? Either way I feel like I have another little piece of the jigsaw and some more special dates and places to remember Daisy by should I choose to